Ok so last week Daughter decided she wanted her ears pierced. So off we went to the local jewellers shop. Upon arrival Son spotted a flat stud with a tribal pattern on it, clearly designed with men/boys in mind. As soon as he saw it he asked it he could have it, so I said yes.
Did I consult my Ex-H before doing this... no. Although I know a lot of single parents who would, I didn't. This isn't because I actively disregard my Ex-H's advice or views regarding our children, it's simply because more often or not, he simply finds bothering to have one a little too much bother! He doesn't attend parents evenings, he doesn't enquire as to who there friends are, he doesn't bother to enquire about their hobbies, he certainly doesn't do anything to actively involve himself in them. Given his past history of involvement, I assumed whether or not the kids had their ears pierced was my concern alone... apparently not.
After returning from a night at their Dad's house Son was decidedly quiet. I, like I think a lot of mothers would, chalked it up to a late night and a little too much junk food. That was until 2am when I was awoken by the bathroom light and quiet little "ouch, ouch, ouch" mutterings.
Apparently Ex-H had taken a slight dislike to Son's earring, to the point Son was so worried about his darling fathers reaction, he decided to get himself up in the middle of the night and pull it out his ear. Luckily the damage Son did whilst slightly ham-fistedly removing earring was temporary swelling and a small amount of bleeding which was quickly remedied with a ice pack.
I can not equate in words how angry I was at this point, having a child willing to hurt themselves - (in however minor a way) - because of their Dad's reaction to something is not in anyway acceptable. However, I was also willing to accept that regardless of his reaction and whether or not he should have had it in the first place, it was unlikely that his intent was to cause actual harm or distress to Son. Which leaves my in the difficult spot of how to handle it, the last thing I want is huge showdown with Ex-H.
So... I phoned Ex-H's Mum! Me and Grandma-B have always gotten on very well, and as she is well aware of his temperament she was the logical place to go to for advice. It turns out this was a good idea, she contacted Ex-H and made him aware of situation, he then phoned me to apologise and speak to Son and apologise to him. Son is still less than impressed and not his Dad's biggest fan at the moment, but peace has been restored for the time being...
Sunday 22 July 2012
Monday 16 July 2012
Baptism of fire...
The contracts are signed. The moving date is set. Me and HTB are both equally terrified and not doing an overly good job of hiding it.
I know the change of lifestyle is weighing on his mind, and who can blame him? Jumping from bachelor to a ready-made 2.4 scenario is a huge leap.What's taking me - (and seemingly everyone else) - by surprise is the fact the I'm worried about the lifestyle change! Everyone seems to be all "Oh, you must be so relieved not to have to be a single parent anymore." Well, yes, I am... but that's not really the point.
At the minute I live in my house, I pay -(or occasionally don't pay)- the bills, if something needs sorting then I sort it. If I don't sort it, then that's my fault and I'm the one affected and I bear the consequences.
You see, what I didn't realise 'til now was that a big part of my "coping strategy" for the whole lone parent thing was to focus on the fact I'm totally independent and am not accountable to anyone... but now I am. Don't get me wrong here, HTB is as far from a domineering, sexist 1940's man-ape as you can get. However, the fact remains if I screw-up some budgeting, make a bad decision regarding the household or mis-handle a situation with the kids, it is going to affect him. Suddenly what you realise you were willing to put yourself through in given situations, is not something you are willing to put the person you love through.
For example, a couple of years ago I dropped the 9-5 to work for myself. It meant I had no idea what money was coming in when, basically living from one week to the next. It worked out great, but occasionally I'll want some new equipment or to invest in something, and invest personal money into it... which often means doing without nights out and luxuries for a few weeks. These were things I was happy to do, sacrifices I chose to make because I wanted to reach a certain goal. They are not however things I would expect him to have to do.
Maybe it's selfishness. Maybe it's a guilt complex. More than likely it's just another part of the big adjustment we're about to go through!
I know the change of lifestyle is weighing on his mind, and who can blame him? Jumping from bachelor to a ready-made 2.4 scenario is a huge leap.What's taking me - (and seemingly everyone else) - by surprise is the fact the I'm worried about the lifestyle change! Everyone seems to be all "Oh, you must be so relieved not to have to be a single parent anymore." Well, yes, I am... but that's not really the point.
At the minute I live in my house, I pay -(or occasionally don't pay)- the bills, if something needs sorting then I sort it. If I don't sort it, then that's my fault and I'm the one affected and I bear the consequences.
You see, what I didn't realise 'til now was that a big part of my "coping strategy" for the whole lone parent thing was to focus on the fact I'm totally independent and am not accountable to anyone... but now I am. Don't get me wrong here, HTB is as far from a domineering, sexist 1940's man-ape as you can get. However, the fact remains if I screw-up some budgeting, make a bad decision regarding the household or mis-handle a situation with the kids, it is going to affect him. Suddenly what you realise you were willing to put yourself through in given situations, is not something you are willing to put the person you love through.
For example, a couple of years ago I dropped the 9-5 to work for myself. It meant I had no idea what money was coming in when, basically living from one week to the next. It worked out great, but occasionally I'll want some new equipment or to invest in something, and invest personal money into it... which often means doing without nights out and luxuries for a few weeks. These were things I was happy to do, sacrifices I chose to make because I wanted to reach a certain goal. They are not however things I would expect him to have to do.
Maybe it's selfishness. Maybe it's a guilt complex. More than likely it's just another part of the big adjustment we're about to go through!
Wednesday 4 July 2012
What. A. Day!
Someday's make you reach for a bottle of red way more than others... yesterday was just that kinda day!
It started the day before when a beep from my mobile flashed up a calander reminder. Six months ago they found abnormal cells on my cervix during a rountine screening, and as per the normal course of action for such things, wanted to leave it for six months then retest me. So after a day or two panicing I pushed it to the back of my mind where it firmly remained... until the lovely electronic 24 hour reminder popped up!
Well at this point I had 2 cats booked in for surgery at the vets, and no babysitter. A quick text confirmed Grandma-A was at work, but then I remembered HTB had a day of. A quick plea via facebook was all it took and he came rushing to my aid and it all worked out perfectly!
Well no... not quite! The minute Son is out of bed the next day it begins. Now Son is normally a well behaved if over talkative and excitable child... but the past week that has been slowly disappearing. After a day of none stop naughty-step action and a reward chart being ripped to shreds in sheer frustration, it came time for me to trot of to hospital and leave HTB with kids and instructions on picking up cats from vets.
I was gone an hour and a half... which is apparently how long it takes for all out freaking chaos to insue.
I step out of car to see HTB also pulling up. He hadn't got cats... he did have a rather smug looking Son and a look of anger/demented frustration in his eyes. "I can't live with this kid... I can't... I won't..."
"Brilliant. Give me the vets papers *I'll* go and get them"
"Well I can still go and get them now..."
"Give. Me. The. Freaking. Vets. Papers!!!"
So off I drive to vets with kids in car... working out where the closest place that sells vodka is. Son still suspiciously quiet.
By the time I get back HTB is sitting on the front door step chain smoking. I take a minute or so in the car before I get out... always a good idea. Anyhoo, by the time I get to door he's hugging me and mumbling something along the lines of "How?... How do you?... They just won't do... They just run... and... What?..."
Once we had the children somewhat distracted we decided that we needed to get to the bottom of Son turning into a demon child asap. As I was somewhat emotionally raw from the combination of the fact my cervix might be trying to kill me and the fact my happy little almost-step-family almost imploded on itself, HTB decided he was staying over and trundelled off to collect wine and junk food -(and as it turns out flowers and chocolate).
So I summon Son, for a quiet little chat...
"Do you still want us to live with [HTB]?"
After a few minutes of staring at the floor I get a slow nod.
"You don't seem very sure sweetheart, whats wrong?"
After a few minutes consideration "Nothing... I don't know... I feel funny inside."
"Do you feel sad inside? I thought you liked [HTB] and your not being very nice to him at the minute."
Several minutes contemplation and looking sad, but then a breakthrough: "I do like him but I heard [Grandma-B] saying she's going to miss us coz the new house is far, far away..."
Well after promising it wasn't actually *that* far away, that he'd still see Grandparents-B, and that he could have his own skype set up to talk to them whenever -(and a cuddle)- all now seems well and quiet and back on track. I've no doubt their will be a few more man-of-the-house style clashes between HTB and Son but I think -(hope)- we've cleared a hurdle.
It started the day before when a beep from my mobile flashed up a calander reminder. Six months ago they found abnormal cells on my cervix during a rountine screening, and as per the normal course of action for such things, wanted to leave it for six months then retest me. So after a day or two panicing I pushed it to the back of my mind where it firmly remained... until the lovely electronic 24 hour reminder popped up!
Well at this point I had 2 cats booked in for surgery at the vets, and no babysitter. A quick text confirmed Grandma-A was at work, but then I remembered HTB had a day of. A quick plea via facebook was all it took and he came rushing to my aid and it all worked out perfectly!
Well no... not quite! The minute Son is out of bed the next day it begins. Now Son is normally a well behaved if over talkative and excitable child... but the past week that has been slowly disappearing. After a day of none stop naughty-step action and a reward chart being ripped to shreds in sheer frustration, it came time for me to trot of to hospital and leave HTB with kids and instructions on picking up cats from vets.
I was gone an hour and a half... which is apparently how long it takes for all out freaking chaos to insue.
I step out of car to see HTB also pulling up. He hadn't got cats... he did have a rather smug looking Son and a look of anger/demented frustration in his eyes. "I can't live with this kid... I can't... I won't..."
"Brilliant. Give me the vets papers *I'll* go and get them"
"Well I can still go and get them now..."
"Give. Me. The. Freaking. Vets. Papers!!!"
So off I drive to vets with kids in car... working out where the closest place that sells vodka is. Son still suspiciously quiet.
By the time I get back HTB is sitting on the front door step chain smoking. I take a minute or so in the car before I get out... always a good idea. Anyhoo, by the time I get to door he's hugging me and mumbling something along the lines of "How?... How do you?... They just won't do... They just run... and... What?..."
Once we had the children somewhat distracted we decided that we needed to get to the bottom of Son turning into a demon child asap. As I was somewhat emotionally raw from the combination of the fact my cervix might be trying to kill me and the fact my happy little almost-step-family almost imploded on itself, HTB decided he was staying over and trundelled off to collect wine and junk food -(and as it turns out flowers and chocolate).
So I summon Son, for a quiet little chat...
"Do you still want us to live with [HTB]?"
After a few minutes of staring at the floor I get a slow nod.
"You don't seem very sure sweetheart, whats wrong?"
After a few minutes consideration "Nothing... I don't know... I feel funny inside."
"Do you feel sad inside? I thought you liked [HTB] and your not being very nice to him at the minute."
Several minutes contemplation and looking sad, but then a breakthrough: "I do like him but I heard [Grandma-B] saying she's going to miss us coz the new house is far, far away..."
Well after promising it wasn't actually *that* far away, that he'd still see Grandparents-B, and that he could have his own skype set up to talk to them whenever -(and a cuddle)- all now seems well and quiet and back on track. I've no doubt their will be a few more man-of-the-house style clashes between HTB and Son but I think -(hope)- we've cleared a hurdle.
Monday 2 July 2012
Hang on tight...
Wow... busy week! Do you ever get that feeling that your making things happen faster than you can deal with them happening... but you can't complain about it because you made them happen in the first place!!
That is exactly where I am right now. HTB and I thought with the wedding date we've sort-of-but-not-definately set being 15 months away, we'd start looking at houses with a view to moving in together in about 8 to 10 months time. Anyhoo, last week up cherps a message on facebook from HTB -(he has zero mobile coverage where he works)- "I've found a house."
A couple of days later we're agreeing the lease details on THE PERFECT house. I've always been a bit of a tree huggin' hippy at heart, and this place is fantastic, tiny village, beautiful countryside, landlord fully supportive of plans for extensive veg patch and chickens, AND... they still get fast broadband and is in range of supermarket home deliverys.
So now here I am with 5 weeks to do what I though I had at least 6 months to, school places need sorting, utilities need moved, tax credits need to be totally re-hashed as I once again move closer to "smug married" status. And my constant protest of "I'm not stressed/panicing... I'm just excited" is fooling nobody, despite the fact it is at least partly true. Ok, I may be a little stressed... but I very, very excited too.
That is exactly where I am right now. HTB and I thought with the wedding date we've sort-of-but-not-definately set being 15 months away, we'd start looking at houses with a view to moving in together in about 8 to 10 months time. Anyhoo, last week up cherps a message on facebook from HTB -(he has zero mobile coverage where he works)- "I've found a house."
A couple of days later we're agreeing the lease details on THE PERFECT house. I've always been a bit of a tree huggin' hippy at heart, and this place is fantastic, tiny village, beautiful countryside, landlord fully supportive of plans for extensive veg patch and chickens, AND... they still get fast broadband and is in range of supermarket home deliverys.
So now here I am with 5 weeks to do what I though I had at least 6 months to, school places need sorting, utilities need moved, tax credits need to be totally re-hashed as I once again move closer to "smug married" status. And my constant protest of "I'm not stressed/panicing... I'm just excited" is fooling nobody, despite the fact it is at least partly true. Ok, I may be a little stressed... but I very, very excited too.
Monday 25 June 2012
The beginning... sort of...
Ok, welcome to my blog! I'm Mum, I have lovely (but exhausting) children, Son and Daughter aged 7 and 6. I also now have a rather lovely Husband-To-Be (henceforth shortened to HTB)... and this is where things get interesting.
You see after getting married very young and having it rather quickly turn into an utter train wreck, I found myself a single mum to a baby and a very young toddler. It took it's toll financially and left some pretty deep scars on my mental health. Anyhoo... a few years later I'm sorted, the kids are doing fine, I run my own home business, they see their Dad pretty regularly... and I've gotten pretty good at the "dating" thing. So that was me pretty much set, I swore blind I would never get married or have a "serious" partner again. As far as the kids could remember it was just us 3, and we were doing just dandy! Why complicate a life with little things like love, partnership, mutual support? Right?
Erm... no... thankfully very wrong. Last year I met HTB, I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, but actually it wasn't far off! We told each other we loved each other after 2 weeks... and a month ago, after many up's and downs he proposed... and I said yes.
Now I'm sure this story will have a "happily ever after" ending (I hope so anyway!). But, I have a feeling that with kids, ex-partners and two very independant people coming together it'll be an interesting journey to the altar.
First challenge: Getting a family home... stay tuned folks, this should be fun...
You see after getting married very young and having it rather quickly turn into an utter train wreck, I found myself a single mum to a baby and a very young toddler. It took it's toll financially and left some pretty deep scars on my mental health. Anyhoo... a few years later I'm sorted, the kids are doing fine, I run my own home business, they see their Dad pretty regularly... and I've gotten pretty good at the "dating" thing. So that was me pretty much set, I swore blind I would never get married or have a "serious" partner again. As far as the kids could remember it was just us 3, and we were doing just dandy! Why complicate a life with little things like love, partnership, mutual support? Right?
Erm... no... thankfully very wrong. Last year I met HTB, I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, but actually it wasn't far off! We told each other we loved each other after 2 weeks... and a month ago, after many up's and downs he proposed... and I said yes.
Now I'm sure this story will have a "happily ever after" ending (I hope so anyway!). But, I have a feeling that with kids, ex-partners and two very independant people coming together it'll be an interesting journey to the altar.
First challenge: Getting a family home... stay tuned folks, this should be fun...
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